My Piece of Heaven

I sit cooling down after a light jog this morning. The breeze in my hair, the sun lightly touching my back. The sky and amazing colors all around me are glorious. I sometimes wonder how many colors are in Gods coloring box 😊. While I jogged I had the privilege to hear some birds singing, a hummingbird hanging out on the edge of a branch, a spider web with such detail. Wow, the smallest wonders amaze me. I love the stillness that nature offers. We as humans just mess it all up with all our noise and chaos. I’m totally in love with God a little more today. Maybe I’ll go buy me some nice flowers and a cup of coffee…Enjoy YOUR piece of heaven this Spring.

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Emotions

Isn’t it interesting how everyday brings so many different emotions…or maybe it’s just me as a woman??

I just know that today has really been “an interesting kinda day”. I was great in the morning then by mid day had an emotional breakdown were I totally yelled and cried out to God. My life lately has just been so chaotic…I don’t want to live my life just going through the motions, I have found myself just being and really not living. I’m simply tired. Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually and everything else ending in -lly. I’ve sadly considered suicide but then chicken out so many times…I’ve considered counseling..but will that really help? I’m tired…

I find myself needing and seeking people around me with wisdom- is that because I need so much of it now? We all at one point of our life’s go through this (I hope I’m not alone). The only thing right now holding me up…is MY GOD…for what ever reason.

So for now I will TRUST HE has a plan for my life, because I obviously don’t…

Namaste

Love it!!

I love it how God has me surrounded by people that truly are Angels to my life. I believe we all have them, people that love ya even when things don’t sound or look too good. I am blessed to have two really special guys that do that often. I believe they are part of my journey, especially right now when I’m having such a hard time with finding out what the heck to do with so many areas in my life. One is an amazing soccer coach. He has truly not really been around much, but has been such an impact in my heart without even knowing it. He is a man that doesn’t just talk to me to sleep with me (which no one has) he doesn’t even allow it to “go there” but he is a very smart guy and I love to hear is corky life lessons, they just make my heart skip a beat for a weird reason. I love it. He is a man that loves his profession and it shows in so many ways, but for me he is my friend. Thank you sir. Then, I have a man that lives a few hundred miles away but I have known for years. He is the one I reach out to when I am truly truly in the dumps and he really always knows just the words I need to hear (well..read) he is the one I can be “the real me” with. The one that actually knows more of me then he should, but is always respectful and loving to me. I love him to pieces. Thank you babe.
Then, I have the men at my daughters school that out of no where will stop and say..you look pretty today or I love your smile…

I sit here and drink my coffee on this gloomy morning and smile for men that step up to being a little sensitive and not think “it’s gay” to be nice to a woman or just want to undress me with their eyes. And are ok wearing pink on any given day. I’m thankful for all of them for being part of my life and building me up to the beautiful woman that God created me to be!!

It’s been a journey from back in the days when I couldn’t wrap my mind around being ok to be me or pretty to now knowing with a pep to my step that it’s all going to be ok… Cheers to my next life chapter as of today….the bull shit will always be there but I choose to step over it and leave it behind!!!

Today!!!

Isn’t it amazing how as women you never really think of yourself first unless your single or really young??

I had lunch with a girlfriend today and we talked about random things but then out of no where we talked about “deep” things.

I started to tell her how I’ve been feeling lately with my marriage and how I simply just want to be “me” but just don’t know what that looks like. I want to be able to grab my girls and fill up my car and take off to a museum or the beach just a few hours away. I want to be free…there are days when I feel so trapped and confined, but why? Why do I feel that way when I truly do what I want anyways my husband would tell you..I think my subconscious mind is always thinking an invisible wall around me and I build excuses and feel that since I’m married I’m “suppose” to be happy hunky dory and do things with my husband – but why be fake? Why pretend I have a marriage that’s roses and chocolates everyday – today I admit I need to start counseling and I am not all that excited about being married, there I said it well wrote it.

I want to throw up, but I WILL TRUST in my God that HE has a plan for me and my girls…. Oh the chicken fingers were yummy and my girlfriend is on the same boat come to find out…so we will pray for each other…

I can only imagine…

What do I say to a friend that is around my age, with two teenage children and….just lost her husband to cancer??

What do you say? How do you help? Other then just pray for her heart to heal. My heart is overwhelmed by her pain, the pain of her only son (my oldest daughters friend) how he will grow up and not have his father around to teach him to be a man. His daughter that will grow up and not have someone to walk her down the isle when she gets married….ugh sooo many things that he will not be a part of. My heart is heavy for this woman. I just pray that she may find comfort in knowing that God is by her side each and every minute. Day and night, because HE IS FAITHFUL ALWAYS!!!

Why Care?

Lord, how do I become a person that just doesn’t care? How do I become one that doesn’t believe she can fix the world? How Lord?

My heart is so overwhelmed, all my life I have at least tried to be a “good” person. Most times called a goody too shoes, lord my own husband told me recently to get over myself and realize that I can’t fix the world…Lord my heart is so hurt, lord I have always just wanted to help. Help if I see a problem, help if I know I can be of service, be available. And now…this???

Lord please heal my heart lord lead me to your streams so my heart can heal. Lord this I pray with an overwhelmed heart. Heavenly Father please show me where I went wrong?

Lord, I truly believe that I can fix the world one person at a time. Who ever you place in my path lord I KNOW your Spirit placed in my path so that YOU can help them I’m just a vessel you are the light to my feet, please Lord Lead me in your path….soften my heart and brighten my soul….Amen

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Rush..

This morning I sit by a fire at a local coffee shop, enjoying my coffee and watching the traffic keep going and going by…I wonder why they all are in such a rush some red lights are not acknowledged, some people don’t use there blinkers to switch lanes. All to get somewhere, it could be that Christmas is just a week away and gifts have to be purchased…I know I still have to get mine :) but I go back to rushing…from where I am sitting I watch my car just parked..not moving. I wonder if that’s how God wants us to be is that why he said…Be Still & Know I’m God- did he mean if we are still (like our cars) that He will turn the key to direct us to our destination? He will fill us up with all we need (like gasoline). I think this morning I’m choosing to hang out by this fire a little longer and not rush to drink my coffee but BE STILL & KNOW HE IS GOD!